All It Takes Is A Touch
by Potion
Summary: She looks into those beautiful blue eyes that are filling with tears and wonders how she could ever hurt JJ this much. Then she sees her own reflection in the glass and wonders, when was the last time JJ didn't hurt her? Emily/JJ, JJ/Will. Oneshot.


Author's Note: Not entirely sure how I feel about this one - a sort of love/hate relationship, I suppose. Perhaps a little out of character in some spots? You be the judge. Let me know how I did, please. (:  
Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, own nothing.

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**All It Takes Is A Touch.**

There is a reason for everything you do. There's a driving force behind every breath you take. There's a fear that forces you to compartmentalize. There's an instinct that fuels every impulsive move. There are open wounds that make you doubt every word you hear and second guess every move you make. There's a knowledge that makes you close yourself off.

There's a reason for everything you do, but you don't know why you decided to let your guard down. You don't know why, for the first time in your life, you decided to let your heart rule your head. You don't know why you let everything spiral out of control. You don't know why you let your compartments slip.

You were raised with compartmentalization. While some kids threw temper tantrums and crying fits, you compartmentalized. It wasn't an option and it wasn't something you did halfway. You had to push your emotions out of the way, lock them in a box, and move on. Your parents had better uses for your time than allowing you to cry, get angry, or sulk around. There were people to entertain, stages to stand on, and functions to attend. Compartmentalization was something you were good at; you were raised with it, born with it even, and you could push your emotions aside so well that even your mother, the queen of compartmentalization who barely cared about anyone but herself and the one who started this whole mess, worried about you once or twice. It was as much a part of you as anything else, perhaps moreso.

Yet JJ still managed to break through that, at least a little bit. She made you feel safe, and she made you trust her. You told her things you would have never told anyone else - things most people would probably confide in their close friends and not just one person, but still. It was a big step for you. The longer you were with JJ, the more you struggled to keep your secrets from her. It didn't help much that most of the things you tried to keep hidden had to do with her.

Some of it you're sure she knows anyway. Your whole relationship was built on lies, on both your parts. And just like you know what she was hiding - whether you're willing to admit it all to yourself or not - you're sure she knows what you have been tying to hide. It almost makes you feel relieved, but then you start to think about it and it just makes you feel hurt. After all, if she knows how much you love her and it changed nothing, then it means you really didn't mean that much to her in the first place.

You knew what she wanted and you were willing to give it to her. You would give her anything in a heartbeat, and you knew those feelings were more than she was willing to reciprocate, but you gave to her anyway. You knew what she was able to give and you took that, even if it wasn't everything you wanted. You convinced yourself that just a little, small piece of JJ was better than no piece of JJ. You convinced yourself that you would be okay, that you could make it through this with no problem.

You realize now just how wrong you were.

You wish now that you could go back and time and do the strong, Prentiss-like thing. Well, almost - you haven't yet decided if this pain was worth it. You can only imagine, though, what your mother would be telling you right now. _'Love is for the weak, Emily,'_ you imagine she would say, like she did when you were in the 8th grade and she decided it was time to tell you about such things. She would have good examples, because your mother can prove anything, and she'll find proof until you admit she's right. Maybe she would mention your cousin, who had to be committed after losing her love in war; your aunt, who allowed her husband to beat her day in and day out because she loved him; your grandparents, who split up after 29 years because one had an affair; or even your parents themselves, married but certainly not in love. _'Love isn't worth it,'_ she would tell you. _'It ruins things, and it ruins people.'_

It's just that you aren't so sure of that. If JJ felt the same way you do, you doubt you would have any reservations in jumping into a full-blown relationship with her. This feeling in your chest, scary as it is, makes you feel alive._ She_ makes you feel alive.

Even now, with her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, and tears threatening to run down her cheeks, you swear she is the most beautiful person you have ever seen. What you really want to do is walk over to her, give her a hug and kiss her tears away. You want to tell her that you love her and promise you aren't going anywhere.

But you can't. You can't because you can't let her do this anymore. Not to her son and not to Will. And you can't do this to yourself anymore. You always thought of yourself as a strong person, but she has made you weak. So, so weak. She has hurt you in ways you didn't think you would ever be hurt, and you don't think you can handle it anymore. You want her, _all _of her, and she isn't willing to give that to you. Sometimes she has to walk away from you in the middle of the night because the 'I had to work late' excuse can only work so long. The secret glances and subtle touches are too much for you to take; you want to be able to kiss her and hold her anywhere, anytime, not just away from prying eyes. And at the same time, she has a family, and you can't bear to think that you are hurting Henry - hurting Will you can just about live with, but not Henry. Every moment that you're in the picture, you're stealing away Henry's mother. You're taking away Will's girlfriend. And you're forcing JJ to choose, even if you aren't meaning to and she's just as willing a participant as you are. She's choosing you over her family every time she shows up on your doorstep, and you can't let her do that, not if she's not _fully _choosing you over Will.

You love her. You love Jennifer Jareau with all your heart and all your soul and it's killing you right now. You aren't sure who _she_ loves, but you're pretty sure it's not you.

She leans against the wall, her arms wrapped around herself. Her eyes still haven't left you, and you haven't said a word yet but she's already looking like she's about to cry. It wouldn't surprise you if she already knows why you're here.

"Em," she says, almost in a whisper, and you don't know if she's trying to prompt you to speak or pleading with you to stay silent.

You have to close your eyes and take a second to just breathe. Seeing her like this, so hurt and almost broken-looking, hurts you as it is. To know that you are the one who did this to her is killing you. It's almost enough to make you tell her nothing is wrong and then just walk away, but as you open your eyes your gaze settles on your own reflection in the mirror behind JJ and you can't help but wonder as you catch the emptiness in your own eyes, _when is the last time she_ didn't_ hurt _me_?_

So you do the one thing you promised yourself you would never do and you hurt her. You knowingly, willingly hurt her. It almost seems like a pattern for you, a never-ending circle you can't break out of. You always end up hurting the people you love; you always end up ruining someone else's life.

The words of Matthew Benton's parents from so many years ago ring in your ears. _"You ruin everything you touch!"_

They're so true. Everything you touch becomes ruined. Everyone you know ends up hurt or dead. You ruin things.

Well, you think, maybe hurting JJ this once will keep her from being ruined. In hurting her, you're separating the two of you. You're saving her, in a sense.

"I-" You stop. How do you even word this? "I can't do this anymore," you decide. You cringe at your own voice - you meant for it to be strong, firm, and sure. It wasn't supposed to be a near whisper, shaky, and cracked. She doesn't need to know how upset you are. She doesn't need to know that you're hurting.

JJ's eyes close for a brief moment before they lock with yours. As quickly as you can, you tear your eyes away. Just standing here near her is about to make you lose your resolve.

"I know," she whispers back. "I know." The tears escape from her eyes, trailing down her cheeks. You swallow but your mouth is dry. How are you going to live with yourself tomorrow, or the day after? She wipes one of her eyes but the tears reappear only a second later and she doesn't even bother with the other eye. _She's so beautiful _enters your brain and you shove it down, try to forget those thoughts. You don't have the right to think like that anymore - did you _ever_ have the right to think about her like that? You find that you aren't so sure.

"You have a son and a - a - a Will and..." Why are you trying to justify this? You know you should just walk out the door but you're legs won't listen to your brain.

"And I can't give you what you want?" she suggests, but there's no bitterness in her tone. Regret and sadness, even disappointment, but no bitterness. How did she know?

_Right, _you think, but instead you shake your head. "No," you hear yourself say. "And I can't live with myself knowing that, when it all falls apart, I was the reason."

JJ nods. You hear footsteps on the stairs. You both turn to look towards the intruding noise, just as Will pokes his head around the corner. He sees you and his eyes narrow just slightly, for only a split instant, and you would have missed it if you weren't a profiler who was trained to notice these things. He's never particularly liked you, but you think there's more to it than just that. You think he knows.

"Is everything alright, Jennifer?" he asks, and you want to cringe. You don't even want to know if she's okay with him calling her that, and so you have to consciously keep yourself from looking her direction. She always told you it was only you - only you could call her that, only you made her name sound good as it rolled off your lips. You don't know how many times she told you that, but it doesn't matter anymore. That one thing has just been shattered, that one little thing you thought you had over Will. Now you have nothing.

"Everything's fine," she assures him weakly. "Go back to bed."

He looks at you again, his eyes moving slowly between you and the blonde. He moves further into the room. "I'll wait until we don't got company," he says, his accent shining through. A Southern accent could be nice, attractive even, but he seems to take it to another level. You would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard. "Don't wanna be rude."

He definitely knows.

"Will..." JJ starts to argue, annoyance seeping into her tone.

You lick your lips, feeling the anger surge through you._ Let it go, _you remind yourself, quickly shoving the feelings to the back of your mind. You feel your shoulders straighten of their own accord as you slip into the mask you wear so well. "It's alright. I was just about to leave anyway."

"I'm sure you were," he mutters just loud enough for you to hear. You want to say something, but he has every right to hate you. You simply slip further back into your compartments.

One day, you know they're going to be the death of you.

"Will!"

"JJ, it's fine."

She looks between the two of you, and you can see how lost and torn she is. She doesn't know what to do and you can see it written all over her face. As for Will, his eyes still haven't left you; there is nothing but hatred and anger in his expression.

You swallow and readjust your jacket. You force a smile to the both of them. "Goodbye, Will," you say as politely as you can. You take a breath and just before you turn around you whisper, "Goodbye, JJ."

Even as you turn around you feel Will's eyes on you. You hesitate when your hand reaches the cold doorknob, and as you pull the door open, you decide you may as well. What have you got to lose, right? You've already lost it all.

"I'd never make you choose," you say softly, knowing JJ can hear you and guessing that Will can as well, but you don't really care right now, "but always remember that I love you, Jennifer..."

You let her name hang in the air as you walk out the door and close it quietly behind you. You walk out into the cold night, shivering as the snow falls down around you and seeps into the fabric of your jeans before you even reach the sidewalk. You're almost surprised that Will didn't burst out the door behind you.

You should've kept quiet. You regret it already.

They could've kept lying to each other and had at least a semi-happy life together. You just ruined what ever chance of that they had.

Well, you do ruin everything you touch.


End file.
